Still Learning to Dance With a Limp

Just happened upon some old journals today… One of them from 2004. My husband, Kevin, died Jan. 6^th that year and most of the journal is filled with my writings of God's goodness to me during that time, but mid-March is a page where I just wrote "I'm f ***ing pissed!" in bold dark letters. Then I scribbled all over the page and stabbed the page with my pen several times. I can kind of chuckle at it now, not at the pain, but just how I demonstrated it -- having a temper tantrum in my journal... but the pain and anger was oh so real at the time. And just as it has been the case my entire life, writing was how I processed my feelings.

     Those were rollercoaster days... days I was so intensely aware of God's presence and the hope that faith offers which takes the sting of death away and other days so dark, when I sank into the depths of despair--questioning God, His goodness, His wisdom and feeling I would never truly be happy again.

     Eight plus years later, the ripple effect continues -- of both Kevin's presence in my life and the loss of him. In some ways, I've done well, and in other ways not so well. Kevin and I had such a firm direction in life and in those days I knew who I was, where I was headed and who was going to be at my side on the journey. I kind of feel I've somewhat never quite found my place in this world again. Sometimes, yes... but it's elusive. Seems when I almost feel I have, it slips through my fingers and I'm once again wandering through life trying to find my way.

     And even still... after 8 years, there are times when out of the blue I am angry all over again, or sad all over again or both angry & sad at once. Just yesterday that happened, standing in my basement laundry room folding laundry when the thought hit me from nowhere -- I didn't want to be in the position I'm in right now. There's so much uncertainty in my life right now and I guess that brings the anger and pain back. It makes me angry that I had security and stability (the only time in my life I've had that!), and a partner for life, with plans and a direction and it was just taken away. One minute I'm folding laundry and the next I'm standing there crying... over the loss of a husband and the life we had. And it's been 8 years! I've been married and divorced again since then. But there it is.

     I know that there are people who judge me, some who just don't understand, and some who've been hurt by my choices and decisions since then... and all I can say is I've done the best I can in muddling my way through it. One good thing that has come from it, is that my capacity to extend grace and mercy when observing the life and actions of others has been greatly expanded - a hundred times over! I just nod my head.. and think, yeah... walk a mile in their shoes and I remind myself that I only know a little slice of their life and their story... And then it's easy to just love... and not judge.

     I came upon this Ann Lamott quote the other day that seems rather fitting to this post:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

― Anne Lamott

Still learning to dance with the limp,

~Brenda

The Power of Now

This word picture is really helpful to me in grasping this concept of living in the "now".

I am LEARNING (it's a process) to stop obsessively looking at the rear-view mirror of the past, the magnifying glass of the present and the telescope into the future and just sit back and enjoy the ride of right here, right now. It's work to retrain the brain, but so much lighter, freer, peaceful. Much of my past carries regret and pain and worrying about the future brings on fear and anxiety. Why bring those negative feelings from moments that are not currently existing into this moment you are living right now?

I'm not saying we shouldn't feel pain or anxiety. If our current moment is one of pain, then by all means, we need to FEEL it; process it. That's the only way to ensure it doesn't become baggage we carry into your future. I think I've too often I've cut short the process of feeling the pain. Don't wanna feel it. Don't wanna be unhappy, so I just shrug it off and go on. But then it creeps up later. That's not good. I've had relationships suffer from past unprocessed emotional baggage and that's not fair to anyone. It's gotta be okay to feel what we feel in the moment and then... let it go.

The past is no longer here, it has only the power we give it. The future has not yet arrived, and most things we worry about never come to fruition, so it also has only the power we give it. The only real power lies in now.

And for my fellow believers in God, here's a cool thought: God's name is not I WAS, nor is it I WILL BE. His name means I AM. How's that for the power of now? :)

Awakening to the Consequences of Insecurity

Whew. It's amazing when suddenly a veil is lifted from your mind's eye and you just "see" something about yourself! I never realized how big an issue insecurity was in my life. I had a concept of insecurity as someone who is shy, timid, needy, doesn't think they are worth anything. Reading the book "So Long Insecurity" has really opened my eyes to just what insecurity is, and where it comes from, ...how it manifests itself in our lives and the destruction it wreaks on relationships. It can manifest itself in many ways: caretaking of others (finding security in being needed), overcommitting oneself (finding security in all the activities where you are needed), anger (masking insecurity), denial about our issues, denial about our partner's issues, etc. These are a few I've recognized so far. I'm sure I'll uncover more as I continue to learn. yikes.

One of the steps I've taken to "sort it all out" is recognizing that I've had an addiction to seeking security in my relationships, so I'm using the AA 12 step guide and "making a searching and moral inventory of myself" and "making a list of people I've harmed & where possible, making amends."

What's going on feels like spring cleaning my heart, soul and mind. Just like cleaning out some overcluttered storage space, when you first pull all the stuff out, it's like, oh my gosh, how'd I gather all this clutter! Then you start sorting it out... what to keep, what to toss, what to cry over, what to laugh over, what to sit there and say, "Why in the world did I keep this??!" It's alot of work, and it's painful. My heart feels pretty raw and tender...but at the same time, everyday, my head and heart feel lighter and freer. It feels good to take responsibility and face things squarely & just deal with them.

Peace, my friends. Enjoy your Sunday. ♥

Beginning the Journey out of fear and insecurity

February 9, 2012

The past month I have felt more moments of overwhelming fear and insecurity than any time in my life. In fact, there were a couple of times, it was so intense, that I actually pondered the possibility of ending my life. I concluded that wasn’t an option, can’t think of a more selfish thing a person can do… but yeah… that’s how bad it’s been, my friends.

In addition to a lifetime of events (as outlined in my previous post today) which created a foundation of insecurity, recent events brought it to an intensity I’ve never experienced before. My mom's death in November was followed 3 days later by my boyfriend of over a year telling me that our relationship needs to end. (And I knew he was right.) This meant moving back to my home and giving up a full time job with benefits. So in the span of a few days I lost my mom, my love and my source of income. It is hard to explain how utterly disorienting it is to lose all those things at once.

There were a few things that were the saving grace in the whole situation:

* I was returning home-- to my house, my family
* A special friend who was the voice of calm, reason, wisdom, and peace
* My sister – enough said
*and my 3 cats who are my comforting companions

Without these things, I would’ve gone over the edge. But trust me; I went right TO the edge. My trip there was slightly delayed because there was the busy-ness of the holidays and unpacking my house to keep my mind busy for a while.

My sister has had a hard time dealing with mom’s death too, and we’ve both had moments where we cry unexpectedly or much more easily than normal. We’ve both struggled with deep feelings of loss and emptiness. And the information we received from hospice warned us that this is a normal experience. But she has the benefit of leaning on her husband of 20+ years with no other major loss or change at the same time. So I think what pushed me beyond the normal grief process is so much loss at once.

Grasping for a sense of security, I let a new relationship get way too involved. Another person can be there for you in a time of crisis, but that doesn’t work long term. We cannot get our sense of security from another person and the more desperately we try to, the more dysfunctional things get. Nobody is responsible for the emotional well-being of another. We each must tend to our own and sometimes the best thing that can happen to us--though it’s so hard when it happens-- is when the people in our lives confront us with our unhealthy behavior.

That’s exactly what happened to me this week. And it was my wakeup call that I can’t just drown in a sea of fear and I can’t expect anyone to save me. This is work I need to do myself. I do have my faith in God for which I am immensely grateful; I know that He alone is the only one who will never fail me. He is alone is the only one I can be absolutely certain will never leave me and will always love me. So I am hanging onto that, and gathering the resources I need to help me heal and get stronger and find my sense of peace.

One of those resources is encouraging and supportive friends who’ve already begun to travel this road to peace that is ahead of me. Yesterday something one of these friends shared with me proved to be immensely helpful. I was watching my grandkids, feeling just fine when out of the blue I was hit with this overwhelming fear that I will live a long lonely life by myself and I see the endless years stretching out before me like an abyss. (Yes, when fear hits me, it's dramatic! But then so are my joys. That’s just me, I feel things deeply.) Anyway, then I remembered something this friend had shared. She said in moments like that just stop and ask yourself this: "But am I okay right now in this moment?" And the answer was yes. So I just breathed. And I felt the peace return. I was like wow. That worked. Hmmmm. What do you know; I have a tool to combat that situation.

Over time, I will gather more and more tools. And over time, using them will become second nature to me. For now, I must work to stay aware and to consciously choose. And I need to surround myself with like-minded people. Welcome to the journey fellow travelers. Feel free to share your stories with me. Any journey is enriched by companions headed in the same direction.

Peace & Love.

~Brenda

Look at this tree. It stands alone. And it is simply magnificent. I captured this photo the morning of my "wake-up" call. Seemed fitting to the moment.

The roots of insecurity

February 9, 2012

I'm reading the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore and she lists common contributors to chronic insecurity. I was surprised to see that I had all but one on the list:

*Instability in the home (dad left the home when I was 4, Mom was an alcoholic who often just didn't come home at night & had inconsistent,unpredictable behavior)

*A significant loss - lost a husband in 2004 & mom in December

*Rejection - alcoholic moms are good at this. So are abusive husbands.

*Dramatic Change- loss of spouse, move out of state, lots of changes in the makeup of household members, move back to IA, adjusting to the empty nest

*Personal limitations (handicaps and such... this is the only one on the list I didn't have)

So I can say this much... it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'd have issues with insecurity. Wow. Eye opening to look at the list like that. Still... what to do, what to do. Can't just sit there afraid of life. Learn some coping tools. Get some healing. Get closer to God who is the only one who will never leave me!

Peace Out friends. That's my lesson for today. Feel free to share yours.

God won't give you more than you can handle -- not true.

Here is a note I sent to a friend who was struggling with the burdens of life:

I'd like to share something with you that I've learned in hopes that it will encourage you. Although we hear the phrase often, there is no where in the Bible that says God will never give you more than you can handle-- as in burdens, calamities, feeling weighed down by life, etc. When my husband was dying of leukemia 7 yrs ago, people kept telling me this statement but I realized I didn't find it comforting. Rather it made me feel like somehow I wasn't trusting God enough or I just wasn't measuring up in my faith because it did indeed feel like I had more than I could possibly bear. So in hopes I could understand this promise of God better, I went looking for it and I discovered you won't find that promise anywhere in the Bible. But don't despair. Read on. :)

(There IS a verse that says God will not allow us to be TEMPTED beyond what we can bear. 1 Corinth 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." It sounds like that is speaking of something very different than what you are going through.)

I found it comforting and perhaps you will too, that even the great apostle Paul said he'd been given more than he could handle: "For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." (2 Corinth 1:8-9)

There you have the very reason that God will INDEED allow more to come into your life than you can handle. Because that is what it takes to drive most of us to our knees & admit our need for God. And that is where he meets us. When we come to the end of ourselves and admit we simply can not do it alone, & that we desperately need Him.

When life hands you more than you can handle, let me encourage you to turn to the ONE who can handle it ALL. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)

Me, Generous? Ha, If Only You Knew--

Recently, a couple of girlfriends and I were attending a women’s luncheon at our church. They were selling raffle tickets for prizes but only taking cash and my friends had no cash on them. I dug thru my purse and rounded up ten dollars, with which I purchased ten tickets. I felt bad for my friends not having any cash, so I gave them each two of the tickets. They were surprised and delighted and thankful and I bounded off to the ladies’ room feeling quite good about myself for being such a generous person. Then I felt a check in my spirit. I suddenly saw the selfishness in it. Yes, I gave my friends each two tickets. I didn’t have to. They didn’t expect it. But come on now, it’s hardly generous when I gave them each two and kept six for myself. And there it lay; clearly exposed: the self-centered nature that is still within. Not to mention the embarrassing rapidity with which I was ready to pat myself on the back.

But it’s ok, for this is how we grow and become better people. I love it that God shows me things like this about myself. I didn’t feel shamed or debased, but rather was given a sober, honest reality check about where I am today. Gently but quite clearly showing me, I still have so far to go.

I have helped many people and there are many who would say I am a generous person, but the truth is that I have never given enough to make myself uncomfortable. And I’m not even sure that’s required of us. My point is not to advocate a philosophy of self-denial, but if Christ is my model, and I look at what he gave up so that we might HAVE, then my own assessment of this is that I wish I would’ve instinctively divided them up evenly. Maybe next time. God’s shown me the next rung to reach for.