The past month I have felt more moments of overwhelming fear and insecurity than any time in my life. In fact, there were a couple of times, it was so intense, that I actually pondered the possibility of ending my life. I concluded that wasn’t an option, can’t think of a more selfish thing a person can do… but yeah… that’s how bad it’s been, my friends.
In addition to a lifetime of events (as outlined in my previous post today) which created a foundation of insecurity, recent events brought it to an intensity I’ve never experienced before. My mom's death in November was followed 3 days later by my boyfriend of over a year telling me that our relationship needs to end. (And I knew he was right.) This meant moving back to my home and giving up a full time job with benefits. So in the span of a few days I lost my mom, my love and my source of income. It is hard to explain how utterly disorienting it is to lose all those things at once.
There were a few things that were the saving grace in the whole situation:
* I was returning home-- to my house, my family
* A special friend who was the voice of calm, reason, wisdom, and peace
* My sister – enough said
*and my 3 cats who are my comforting companions
Without these things, I would’ve gone over the edge. But trust me; I went right TO the edge. My trip there was slightly delayed because there was the busy-ness of the holidays and unpacking my house to keep my mind busy for a while.
My sister has had a hard time dealing with mom’s death too, and we’ve both had moments where we cry unexpectedly or much more easily than normal. We’ve both struggled with deep feelings of loss and emptiness. And the information we received from hospice warned us that this is a normal experience. But she has the benefit of leaning on her husband of 20+ years with no other major loss or change at the same time. So I think what pushed me beyond the normal grief process is so much loss at once.
Grasping for a sense of security, I let a new relationship get way too involved. Another person can be there for you in a time of crisis, but that doesn’t work long term. We cannot get our sense of security from another person and the more desperately we try to, the more dysfunctional things get. Nobody is responsible for the emotional well-being of another. We each must tend to our own and sometimes the best thing that can happen to us--though it’s so hard when it happens-- is when the people in our lives confront us with our unhealthy behavior.
That’s exactly what happened to me this week. And it was my wakeup call that I can’t just drown in a sea of fear and I can’t expect anyone to save me. This is work I need to do myself. I do have my faith in God for which I am immensely grateful; I know that He alone is the only one who will never fail me. He is alone is the only one I can be absolutely certain will never leave me and will always love me. So I am hanging onto that, and gathering the resources I need to help me heal and get stronger and find my sense of peace.
One of those resources is encouraging and supportive friends who’ve already begun to travel this road to peace that is ahead of me. Yesterday something one of these friends shared with me proved to be immensely helpful. I was watching my grandkids, feeling just fine when out of the blue I was hit with this overwhelming fear that I will live a long lonely life by myself and I see the endless years stretching out before me like an abyss. (Yes, when fear hits me, it's dramatic! But then so are my joys. That’s just me, I feel things deeply.) Anyway, then I remembered something this friend had shared. She said in moments like that just stop and ask yourself this: "But am I okay right now in this moment?" And the answer was yes. So I just breathed. And I felt the peace return. I was like wow. That worked. Hmmmm. What do you know; I have a tool to combat that situation.
Over time, I will gather more and more tools. And over time, using them will become second nature to me. For now, I must work to stay aware and to consciously choose. And I need to surround myself with like-minded people. Welcome to the journey fellow travelers. Feel free to share your stories with me. Any journey is enriched by companions headed in the same direction.
Peace & Love.
~Brenda
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| Look at this tree. It stands alone. And it is simply magnificent. I captured this photo the morning of my "wake-up" call. Seemed fitting to the moment. |
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