Still Learning to Dance With a Limp

Just happened upon some old journals today… One of them from 2004. My husband, Kevin, died Jan. 6^th that year and most of the journal is filled with my writings of God's goodness to me during that time, but mid-March is a page where I just wrote "I'm f ***ing pissed!" in bold dark letters. Then I scribbled all over the page and stabbed the page with my pen several times. I can kind of chuckle at it now, not at the pain, but just how I demonstrated it -- having a temper tantrum in my journal... but the pain and anger was oh so real at the time. And just as it has been the case my entire life, writing was how I processed my feelings.

     Those were rollercoaster days... days I was so intensely aware of God's presence and the hope that faith offers which takes the sting of death away and other days so dark, when I sank into the depths of despair--questioning God, His goodness, His wisdom and feeling I would never truly be happy again.

     Eight plus years later, the ripple effect continues -- of both Kevin's presence in my life and the loss of him. In some ways, I've done well, and in other ways not so well. Kevin and I had such a firm direction in life and in those days I knew who I was, where I was headed and who was going to be at my side on the journey. I kind of feel I've somewhat never quite found my place in this world again. Sometimes, yes... but it's elusive. Seems when I almost feel I have, it slips through my fingers and I'm once again wandering through life trying to find my way.

     And even still... after 8 years, there are times when out of the blue I am angry all over again, or sad all over again or both angry & sad at once. Just yesterday that happened, standing in my basement laundry room folding laundry when the thought hit me from nowhere -- I didn't want to be in the position I'm in right now. There's so much uncertainty in my life right now and I guess that brings the anger and pain back. It makes me angry that I had security and stability (the only time in my life I've had that!), and a partner for life, with plans and a direction and it was just taken away. One minute I'm folding laundry and the next I'm standing there crying... over the loss of a husband and the life we had. And it's been 8 years! I've been married and divorced again since then. But there it is.

     I know that there are people who judge me, some who just don't understand, and some who've been hurt by my choices and decisions since then... and all I can say is I've done the best I can in muddling my way through it. One good thing that has come from it, is that my capacity to extend grace and mercy when observing the life and actions of others has been greatly expanded - a hundred times over! I just nod my head.. and think, yeah... walk a mile in their shoes and I remind myself that I only know a little slice of their life and their story... And then it's easy to just love... and not judge.

     I came upon this Ann Lamott quote the other day that seems rather fitting to this post:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

― Anne Lamott

Still learning to dance with the limp,

~Brenda

God won't give you more than you can handle -- not true.

Here is a note I sent to a friend who was struggling with the burdens of life:

I'd like to share something with you that I've learned in hopes that it will encourage you. Although we hear the phrase often, there is no where in the Bible that says God will never give you more than you can handle-- as in burdens, calamities, feeling weighed down by life, etc. When my husband was dying of leukemia 7 yrs ago, people kept telling me this statement but I realized I didn't find it comforting. Rather it made me feel like somehow I wasn't trusting God enough or I just wasn't measuring up in my faith because it did indeed feel like I had more than I could possibly bear. So in hopes I could understand this promise of God better, I went looking for it and I discovered you won't find that promise anywhere in the Bible. But don't despair. Read on. :)

(There IS a verse that says God will not allow us to be TEMPTED beyond what we can bear. 1 Corinth 10:13 "No temptation has seized you except what is common to man. And God is faithful; he will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, he will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." It sounds like that is speaking of something very different than what you are going through.)

I found it comforting and perhaps you will too, that even the great apostle Paul said he'd been given more than he could handle: "For we do not want you to be ignorant, brothers, of the affliction we experienced in Asia. For we were so utterly burdened beyond our strength that we despaired of life itself. Indeed, we felt that we had received the sentence of death. But that was to make us rely not on ourselves but on God who raises the dead." (2 Corinth 1:8-9)

There you have the very reason that God will INDEED allow more to come into your life than you can handle. Because that is what it takes to drive most of us to our knees & admit our need for God. And that is where he meets us. When we come to the end of ourselves and admit we simply can not do it alone, & that we desperately need Him.

When life hands you more than you can handle, let me encourage you to turn to the ONE who can handle it ALL. "Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened and I will give you rest." (Matthew 11:28)