Overcoming Adversity

 I’ve been thinking a lot about how our thoughts shape our lives. Anyone who reads my posts knows by now that I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking. But I want to make it clear that is very different than a “Pollyannaish” view of life. I am very aware of the pain life dishes out as I’ve had a pretty fair dose of it myself. Throughout the years, mentors and peers alike who have heard some of my life story have often referred to me as “resilient”.

Some of you know some of my story but just  a brief summary of some of the adversity I’ve faced: As a child: divorced parents,  single parent home, childhood poverty, alcoholic mother, alcoholic stepfather, witness to severe domestic violence multiple times. Some of the experiences I had as a child: being excited when my mom came home with a “food box” from the food pantry; first time I ever had new clothes for school was when I was in 6^th grade; emotional and physical abandonment;  pretty much raising my younger siblings when I was only ten years old myself – calling them in when it got dark, making supper, tucking them in and then lying awake late in the night waiting for the sound of my mom coming home; being a little girl and on several occasions watching a grown man go into an alcohol induced rage in which he hit my mother, utterly destroyed our home, busted furniture, threw things through windows, objects flying past me and my siblings which only stopped when I escaped through a bedroom window to run to a neighbor’s house to ask for help.

My teen years I lived with my dad and life was pretty stable. The only thing I had to deal with during those years was my mom living halfway across the country in another state and the 2 or 3 heart attacks my dad had, leaving me with a constant fear that he was going to die before I grew up and then I would have to move to another state and live with my mom.

My adult years brought more adversity as I was…. I won’t use the word “victim”… I guess I’ll go with the term “survivor of” domestic violence myself.  Since it wasn’t as severe as what I witnessed as a child it took me YEARS to recognize it. But I was belittled, humiliated, called names, my family was berated, I was pushed, slapped, thrown around, had my hair pulled, pushed against walls by my throat, things thrown at me numerous times, items in the house broken, thrown, doors and walls punched and kicked, car windshield smashed while me and the kids were IN it! Told I would never make it on my own, I was worthless, “just like my mom”, all the usual derogatory names for a woman of course, and in classic domestic violence style – told I exaggerated it all because "if he really wanted to hurt me…. do I know what he could DO to me???"

In comparison, the adversity in the ensuing years was mild. I was a single mom with 3 little boys and even though I had a college degree, couldn’t get full time work for a while and I was working at times four part-time jobs and still needing assistance such as food stamps, rental assistance and medical aide. After a few years, I met a wonderful man with six children of his own and we got married. The worst thing I had to deal with during those years was a bout with panic and anxiety disorder.  However five years into our marriage, he got leukemia. After an incredibly intense 9 months of him fighting for his life in which I was at his side as much as possible while caring for our nine school age children and holding down a full time job, he lost his fight and I lost my husband. Widowed at age 37.

After that, some of the adversity I faced was due to making some choices that weren’t the wisest: moving to California and remarrying way too soon. Then I discovered a totally new form of abuse – spiritual abuse. Someone using your faith and their knowledge about religion to manipulate control and shame you. As well as the collateral damage of being married to someone with severe OCD and other personality issues. And a few more instances of domestic violence. During these years, I experienced for the first time in my life, the sensation of having my airway cut off because I was being drug across the room in basically a “choke hold”.

Let’s see… then since moving back to Iowa, I’ve had the experience of living completely alone for the first time in my life, being unemployed for almost a year even though I was diligently and assertively applying for jobs, and losing my mom to lung cancer.

So yeah…  I’ve faced some adversity. But you know what…. I have learned a few things along the way. For one, everything I’ve had to deal with has made me a person who is more compassionate and understanding about those things. I can relate to people who are living in, living with, or survivors of so many issues: poverty, abuse, family members with terminal or life-threatening illness, single parents, blended families, marriage, singledom, widowhood, balancing work and family, unemployment, anxiety, homeschooling, parenting, moving out of state, empty nesting, struggles with weight.

Here are some of the most treasured things I’ve learned from all of this adversity in my life:

*You become a more compassionate and understanding person towards others. Most things that people are self-righteously smug about are things they have never dealt with themselves. For example, I never understood the struggles some people have with weight because I never had any problems with it until my 30’s. Before that, I had a rather flippant attitude. I thought, “How hard can it be? Just eat less and exercise more”.  People who’ve never been in a domestic violence situation tend to think, “Well… just leave.”  But there are a myriad of reasons why one can’t “just leave”. And so it is with almost all issues that humans wrestle with… they are far more complex than they appear from the outside, especially to someone who has never experienced that issue.

*Our thoughts have a profound effect on our lives. They steer us in a certain direction. They foreshadow outcomes. It really is true: “What we think about, we bring about.” When I chose thoughts of defeat and thoughts that negatively defined me, the situations often deteriorated even further.  However, when I chose positive reframing of events, practiced defining myself and my situation in positive, affirming ways, chose thoughts of action, and plans to deal with the various adversities I have experienced, I slowly made my way out of those situations or found ways to cope with or improve the situation.

*Likewise, the words we speak have a profound influence on our lives. They also steer your life in a direction. Choosing to speak of kindness, hope and joy will bring these things into your life. In order to speak about it, you must think about it so this is an exercise in choosing and focusing your thoughts in a positive direction. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts and words to influence the circumstances of your life.

*With each life experience you overcome, you become stronger yourself. You discover new resources within that you didn’t know you had. You develop fortitude, persistence, and resilience.  You become better within yourself and you become a person who can connect with others who are hurting and overwhelmed by life circumstances, as well as those other like-minded persons who have overcome as well.

So my friends, I encourage you today, if you are struggling, reach within and find your strength. One of the first and most important resources lies within. Pay attention to your thoughts. You sometimes can’t control your circumstances, but you can ALWAYS choose your thoughts. You can choose your reaction to the circumstances.  Practice positive reframing. Most things can be framed positively. For example: If your car broke down on the way to work, you can ruminate on your terrible luck or you can choose to dwell on how lucky you are it didn’t break down while you were crossing the interstate where you would’ve been crashed into.

If you’re a person who has overcome adversity, reach out to others, share your wisdom, share your pain, and share your failures and victories. Someone else out there needs to know they are not alone in their struggle.

And always remember: Your past does not define your future unless you choose to let it.

Sending my love and wishing you peace and joy in your life,

~ Brenda

Still Learning to Dance With a Limp

Just happened upon some old journals today… One of them from 2004. My husband, Kevin, died Jan. 6^th that year and most of the journal is filled with my writings of God's goodness to me during that time, but mid-March is a page where I just wrote "I'm f ***ing pissed!" in bold dark letters. Then I scribbled all over the page and stabbed the page with my pen several times. I can kind of chuckle at it now, not at the pain, but just how I demonstrated it -- having a temper tantrum in my journal... but the pain and anger was oh so real at the time. And just as it has been the case my entire life, writing was how I processed my feelings.

     Those were rollercoaster days... days I was so intensely aware of God's presence and the hope that faith offers which takes the sting of death away and other days so dark, when I sank into the depths of despair--questioning God, His goodness, His wisdom and feeling I would never truly be happy again.

     Eight plus years later, the ripple effect continues -- of both Kevin's presence in my life and the loss of him. In some ways, I've done well, and in other ways not so well. Kevin and I had such a firm direction in life and in those days I knew who I was, where I was headed and who was going to be at my side on the journey. I kind of feel I've somewhat never quite found my place in this world again. Sometimes, yes... but it's elusive. Seems when I almost feel I have, it slips through my fingers and I'm once again wandering through life trying to find my way.

     And even still... after 8 years, there are times when out of the blue I am angry all over again, or sad all over again or both angry & sad at once. Just yesterday that happened, standing in my basement laundry room folding laundry when the thought hit me from nowhere -- I didn't want to be in the position I'm in right now. There's so much uncertainty in my life right now and I guess that brings the anger and pain back. It makes me angry that I had security and stability (the only time in my life I've had that!), and a partner for life, with plans and a direction and it was just taken away. One minute I'm folding laundry and the next I'm standing there crying... over the loss of a husband and the life we had. And it's been 8 years! I've been married and divorced again since then. But there it is.

     I know that there are people who judge me, some who just don't understand, and some who've been hurt by my choices and decisions since then... and all I can say is I've done the best I can in muddling my way through it. One good thing that has come from it, is that my capacity to extend grace and mercy when observing the life and actions of others has been greatly expanded - a hundred times over! I just nod my head.. and think, yeah... walk a mile in their shoes and I remind myself that I only know a little slice of their life and their story... And then it's easy to just love... and not judge.

     I came upon this Ann Lamott quote the other day that seems rather fitting to this post:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

― Anne Lamott

Still learning to dance with the limp,

~Brenda

Err on the Side of Compassion

While approaching a stoplight, on our way to the mall, we saw a guy standing on the corner with a sign that had some sort of "down and out" message. Wordlessly, I handed Brent a ten. Now I must insert here, before going on, that Brent and I both -- as a rule -- hand out cash when we come across this type of situation, BUT on this day, Brent said, "What if he's scamming us?" I just said, "Here." And laid the ten down on his knee. Brent looked over at me and said, "Err on the side of compassion?" and I replied, "Of course." And we did.

You see, there really is no way to know if you're being scammed or not. But I'd rather it be true that because I chose to be compassionate, I was scammed than because I chose to be distrustful, I missed an opportunity to extend compassion to a hurting soul.