I Got By With a Little Help From My Friends

Today I was reflecting on where I was a year ago and just in awe at how much things can change in one year. Last February and March were one of the lowest points in my life. Processing my mother’s death was an overwhelming experience in itself. Adding to that was an end to a relationship that had once seemed promising, and on top of that, an inability to secure employment in spite of months of diligent effort.  I was struggling to stay afloat, feeling lost and unanchored, nearly drowning in a sea of insecurity, instability, disillusionment, uncertainty and fear.  When I lost my husband nine years ago, many people commented on how remarkably well I seemed to handle things. But I had three children still at home and a fulfilling, rewarding job. Those things did not lessen the grief, but they did serve as anchors of stability. They provided routines and responsibilities that carried me through the days as I healed and processed my grief.  

In contrast, sitting where I am today, with immensely more stability than I had a year ago, I am in awe that I got through it. No job, no children at home, no relationship… yes, I have other family and I spent some time with them. But they have lives and families of their own so there were many days and nights it was just me -- alone in an empty house, with a hurting heart, struggling to find some sort of direction again. Any of these life events—loss of a parent, extended unemployment, or dealing with a failed relationship are challenges to one’s sense of peace, stability, and financial and emotional security. So to be juggling them all at once… and to not have one of those legs on solid ground to help support the instability in the other areas was… well… it was a lot to deal with at once. Those were tough times and forced me to seek out every available resource to survive; to stay afloat.

A few things that were helpful --About right in the midst of that valley, I posted a blog in which I shared some of my despair and explaining how I was embarking on a journey seeking inner peace.  The response and outreach from my Facebook community was amazing. Those connections were life preservers -- something tangible I could grab onto to keep my head above water. And I deeply appreciate those who reached out to me. Many people commented and many people wrote private messages of support, encouragement, and shared experiences. Those small gestures made a huge difference.

Another thing I did at that time was signed up to sell Pampered Chef. I was getting nowhere in securing employment and it was very empowering to have an opportunity like that in which I could have some control over my financial situation. Instead of sitting and waiting for a response, I could go out and immediately do something. For several months, that provided some income for me and more importantly, gave me something positive to focus on. Many of my friends and family placed orders, came to my parties and hosted parties. Another thing I'm hugely grateful for and yet another example of what may seem like a small gesture having a huge impact on helping someone else.

And last but not least, were three very special friends, two of whom befriended me at that time, really knowing little of my situation. We just met through circumstances.  Most of my adult life, I have either been married or had small children and had little opportunity to do things with single friends so I didn’t have many single friends. So when my relationship ended, and my close family and friends had their own families keeping them busy, I spent a lot of time alone until one night when my friend invited me over for dinner at his place along with several of his friends. It was there that I became friends with two other girls. These three people made such a difference in my life simply by being friends. Each of them in their own ways. Whether it was just going out on a Saturday night to hear a band, meeting for lunch or chatting on Facebook or texting, they were instrumental in helping me get all the way back on solid ground again. I will forever be grateful and they hold a special place in my heart.

So in summary, I am just in awe at the stark contrasts of my life journey as I sit here today with a rewarding, fulfilling, challenging full-time job that I absolutely love ; with a husband who is my friend, lover and partner in life and a marriage in which we support and encourage each other to explore our interests and dreams; AND with a part-time job that is rewarding, fulfilling and fun, and a life that is so busy and full that now my biggest challenge is finding time to spend with my family and friends who are so dear to me!

I have always been a person who chooses optimism. I choose to look for the bright side and focus on the positives. But that doesn’t come from being naïve, or not having experienced hard times. There are countless times in my life where I’ve had to muster up every scrap of perseverance from the shattered pieces of my life and gather them together in order to get up and go one more time -- knowing that somewhere ahead was a brighter day. I’m a huge believer that we all have the power to write our own story. We can’t always choose the circumstances, but we can ALWAYS choose our attitude. We can’t always choose the path we are on, but we can choose the direction we are traveling on that path.

As always, wishing you peace and love…

~ Brenda

 

Overcoming Adversity

 I’ve been thinking a lot about how our thoughts shape our lives. Anyone who reads my posts knows by now that I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking. But I want to make it clear that is very different than a “Pollyannaish” view of life. I am very aware of the pain life dishes out as I’ve had a pretty fair dose of it myself. Throughout the years, mentors and peers alike who have heard some of my life story have often referred to me as “resilient”.

Some of you know some of my story but just  a brief summary of some of the adversity I’ve faced: As a child: divorced parents,  single parent home, childhood poverty, alcoholic mother, alcoholic stepfather, witness to severe domestic violence multiple times. Some of the experiences I had as a child: being excited when my mom came home with a “food box” from the food pantry; first time I ever had new clothes for school was when I was in 6^th grade; emotional and physical abandonment;  pretty much raising my younger siblings when I was only ten years old myself – calling them in when it got dark, making supper, tucking them in and then lying awake late in the night waiting for the sound of my mom coming home; being a little girl and on several occasions watching a grown man go into an alcohol induced rage in which he hit my mother, utterly destroyed our home, busted furniture, threw things through windows, objects flying past me and my siblings which only stopped when I escaped through a bedroom window to run to a neighbor’s house to ask for help.

My teen years I lived with my dad and life was pretty stable. The only thing I had to deal with during those years was my mom living halfway across the country in another state and the 2 or 3 heart attacks my dad had, leaving me with a constant fear that he was going to die before I grew up and then I would have to move to another state and live with my mom.

My adult years brought more adversity as I was…. I won’t use the word “victim”… I guess I’ll go with the term “survivor of” domestic violence myself.  Since it wasn’t as severe as what I witnessed as a child it took me YEARS to recognize it. But I was belittled, humiliated, called names, my family was berated, I was pushed, slapped, thrown around, had my hair pulled, pushed against walls by my throat, things thrown at me numerous times, items in the house broken, thrown, doors and walls punched and kicked, car windshield smashed while me and the kids were IN it! Told I would never make it on my own, I was worthless, “just like my mom”, all the usual derogatory names for a woman of course, and in classic domestic violence style – told I exaggerated it all because "if he really wanted to hurt me…. do I know what he could DO to me???"

In comparison, the adversity in the ensuing years was mild. I was a single mom with 3 little boys and even though I had a college degree, couldn’t get full time work for a while and I was working at times four part-time jobs and still needing assistance such as food stamps, rental assistance and medical aide. After a few years, I met a wonderful man with six children of his own and we got married. The worst thing I had to deal with during those years was a bout with panic and anxiety disorder.  However five years into our marriage, he got leukemia. After an incredibly intense 9 months of him fighting for his life in which I was at his side as much as possible while caring for our nine school age children and holding down a full time job, he lost his fight and I lost my husband. Widowed at age 37.

After that, some of the adversity I faced was due to making some choices that weren’t the wisest: moving to California and remarrying way too soon. Then I discovered a totally new form of abuse – spiritual abuse. Someone using your faith and their knowledge about religion to manipulate control and shame you. As well as the collateral damage of being married to someone with severe OCD and other personality issues. And a few more instances of domestic violence. During these years, I experienced for the first time in my life, the sensation of having my airway cut off because I was being drug across the room in basically a “choke hold”.

Let’s see… then since moving back to Iowa, I’ve had the experience of living completely alone for the first time in my life, being unemployed for almost a year even though I was diligently and assertively applying for jobs, and losing my mom to lung cancer.

So yeah…  I’ve faced some adversity. But you know what…. I have learned a few things along the way. For one, everything I’ve had to deal with has made me a person who is more compassionate and understanding about those things. I can relate to people who are living in, living with, or survivors of so many issues: poverty, abuse, family members with terminal or life-threatening illness, single parents, blended families, marriage, singledom, widowhood, balancing work and family, unemployment, anxiety, homeschooling, parenting, moving out of state, empty nesting, struggles with weight.

Here are some of the most treasured things I’ve learned from all of this adversity in my life:

*You become a more compassionate and understanding person towards others. Most things that people are self-righteously smug about are things they have never dealt with themselves. For example, I never understood the struggles some people have with weight because I never had any problems with it until my 30’s. Before that, I had a rather flippant attitude. I thought, “How hard can it be? Just eat less and exercise more”.  People who’ve never been in a domestic violence situation tend to think, “Well… just leave.”  But there are a myriad of reasons why one can’t “just leave”. And so it is with almost all issues that humans wrestle with… they are far more complex than they appear from the outside, especially to someone who has never experienced that issue.

*Our thoughts have a profound effect on our lives. They steer us in a certain direction. They foreshadow outcomes. It really is true: “What we think about, we bring about.” When I chose thoughts of defeat and thoughts that negatively defined me, the situations often deteriorated even further.  However, when I chose positive reframing of events, practiced defining myself and my situation in positive, affirming ways, chose thoughts of action, and plans to deal with the various adversities I have experienced, I slowly made my way out of those situations or found ways to cope with or improve the situation.

*Likewise, the words we speak have a profound influence on our lives. They also steer your life in a direction. Choosing to speak of kindness, hope and joy will bring these things into your life. In order to speak about it, you must think about it so this is an exercise in choosing and focusing your thoughts in a positive direction. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts and words to influence the circumstances of your life.

*With each life experience you overcome, you become stronger yourself. You discover new resources within that you didn’t know you had. You develop fortitude, persistence, and resilience.  You become better within yourself and you become a person who can connect with others who are hurting and overwhelmed by life circumstances, as well as those other like-minded persons who have overcome as well.

So my friends, I encourage you today, if you are struggling, reach within and find your strength. One of the first and most important resources lies within. Pay attention to your thoughts. You sometimes can’t control your circumstances, but you can ALWAYS choose your thoughts. You can choose your reaction to the circumstances.  Practice positive reframing. Most things can be framed positively. For example: If your car broke down on the way to work, you can ruminate on your terrible luck or you can choose to dwell on how lucky you are it didn’t break down while you were crossing the interstate where you would’ve been crashed into.

If you’re a person who has overcome adversity, reach out to others, share your wisdom, share your pain, and share your failures and victories. Someone else out there needs to know they are not alone in their struggle.

And always remember: Your past does not define your future unless you choose to let it.

Sending my love and wishing you peace and joy in your life,

~ Brenda

Be Faithful in the Small Things

We all find ourselves at times stuck in some place that feels so far less than what we are destined for… or if we don’t have such high and lofty ideals about our life as to feel inclined to think we are “destined” for anything, at the very least we feel we are far under-utilizing our abilities and it’s a very disheartening place to be in life. That’s where I am right now.

It was a year ago yesterday that the job I LOVED ended due to funding cuts – teaching GED classes in a special program at the community college.  I’ve pieced together part time jobs here and there and lived mostly off my savings until I took my current job last month. So here I am with a college degree and over 20 years of professional working experience and I’m working in a daycare taking care of four little toddlers every day – and they are barely toddlers. They are actually “mobile infants”. Babies who walk but don’t yet talk. (Well… one lil girl does know how to say NO! to anything you want her to do. lol) It’s one of the most challenging stages of child development. Working physically harder than any job I’ve ever had and barely making over minimum wage and it’s not even full time! It’s humbling to say the least. Among many other negative adjectives. Frustrating, either insanely stressful or insanely boring, depending on if the little kiddos are playing nicely at the moment or if two of them are biting or hitting each other while I’m changing a diaper on another one!

I’ll be honest; it’s been a struggle to have a positive attitude. To not be bitter each morning that this is the best I have been able to secure for employment at this time. To not wake up each morning and think: Seriously? Do I have to do this again? But I believe in having an attitude of gratitude. Of looking for the good in all situations. So, as I continue to apply for better positions, I have willed myself each day to be thankful. To look at it as an honor to go in there and love on these little people each day. To nurture them and teach them things like how to touch each other GENTLY.  A lesson I teach over and over and over. Every day. So while I am teaching them, I am further developing in myself patience, perseverance, and gratitude. And as I’m wiping the changing table down for the 12^th time in the day and feeling frustrated with the monotony, I pause inwardly and say to myself: Be faithful in the small things, Brenda…

Today at church, the message was from 1 Samuel 16. It tells the story of Samuel going to find a new king among the sons of Jesse. The main idea was that God looks upon the heart, not the outward appearance of man. David was so much the last person any of them thought would be the one to be appointed king that when the prophet Samuel was there to check out all of the sons, they didn’t even bother calling David in to be considered. He was out tending to the sheep. Oftentimes, there is a message besides the intended one that jumps out at me personally and today it was this: We know the story. David was destined to be KING. The writer of the Psalms! But at this particular point in time, there he was just tending sheep… doing a menial job.

Seeing that in the life of David is very encouraging to me. We never know when great changes and opportunities are just around the corner. In the meantime we must simply press on, look for things to be grateful for … and be faithful in the small things.

Still Learning to Dance With a Limp

Just happened upon some old journals today… One of them from 2004. My husband, Kevin, died Jan. 6^th that year and most of the journal is filled with my writings of God's goodness to me during that time, but mid-March is a page where I just wrote "I'm f ***ing pissed!" in bold dark letters. Then I scribbled all over the page and stabbed the page with my pen several times. I can kind of chuckle at it now, not at the pain, but just how I demonstrated it -- having a temper tantrum in my journal... but the pain and anger was oh so real at the time. And just as it has been the case my entire life, writing was how I processed my feelings.

     Those were rollercoaster days... days I was so intensely aware of God's presence and the hope that faith offers which takes the sting of death away and other days so dark, when I sank into the depths of despair--questioning God, His goodness, His wisdom and feeling I would never truly be happy again.

     Eight plus years later, the ripple effect continues -- of both Kevin's presence in my life and the loss of him. In some ways, I've done well, and in other ways not so well. Kevin and I had such a firm direction in life and in those days I knew who I was, where I was headed and who was going to be at my side on the journey. I kind of feel I've somewhat never quite found my place in this world again. Sometimes, yes... but it's elusive. Seems when I almost feel I have, it slips through my fingers and I'm once again wandering through life trying to find my way.

     And even still... after 8 years, there are times when out of the blue I am angry all over again, or sad all over again or both angry & sad at once. Just yesterday that happened, standing in my basement laundry room folding laundry when the thought hit me from nowhere -- I didn't want to be in the position I'm in right now. There's so much uncertainty in my life right now and I guess that brings the anger and pain back. It makes me angry that I had security and stability (the only time in my life I've had that!), and a partner for life, with plans and a direction and it was just taken away. One minute I'm folding laundry and the next I'm standing there crying... over the loss of a husband and the life we had. And it's been 8 years! I've been married and divorced again since then. But there it is.

     I know that there are people who judge me, some who just don't understand, and some who've been hurt by my choices and decisions since then... and all I can say is I've done the best I can in muddling my way through it. One good thing that has come from it, is that my capacity to extend grace and mercy when observing the life and actions of others has been greatly expanded - a hundred times over! I just nod my head.. and think, yeah... walk a mile in their shoes and I remind myself that I only know a little slice of their life and their story... And then it's easy to just love... and not judge.

     I came upon this Ann Lamott quote the other day that seems rather fitting to this post:

“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through. It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”

― Anne Lamott

Still learning to dance with the limp,

~Brenda

The Power of Now

This word picture is really helpful to me in grasping this concept of living in the "now".

I am LEARNING (it's a process) to stop obsessively looking at the rear-view mirror of the past, the magnifying glass of the present and the telescope into the future and just sit back and enjoy the ride of right here, right now. It's work to retrain the brain, but so much lighter, freer, peaceful. Much of my past carries regret and pain and worrying about the future brings on fear and anxiety. Why bring those negative feelings from moments that are not currently existing into this moment you are living right now?

I'm not saying we shouldn't feel pain or anxiety. If our current moment is one of pain, then by all means, we need to FEEL it; process it. That's the only way to ensure it doesn't become baggage we carry into your future. I think I've too often I've cut short the process of feeling the pain. Don't wanna feel it. Don't wanna be unhappy, so I just shrug it off and go on. But then it creeps up later. That's not good. I've had relationships suffer from past unprocessed emotional baggage and that's not fair to anyone. It's gotta be okay to feel what we feel in the moment and then... let it go.

The past is no longer here, it has only the power we give it. The future has not yet arrived, and most things we worry about never come to fruition, so it also has only the power we give it. The only real power lies in now.

And for my fellow believers in God, here's a cool thought: God's name is not I WAS, nor is it I WILL BE. His name means I AM. How's that for the power of now? :)

Awakening to the Consequences of Insecurity

Whew. It's amazing when suddenly a veil is lifted from your mind's eye and you just "see" something about yourself! I never realized how big an issue insecurity was in my life. I had a concept of insecurity as someone who is shy, timid, needy, doesn't think they are worth anything. Reading the book "So Long Insecurity" has really opened my eyes to just what insecurity is, and where it comes from, ...how it manifests itself in our lives and the destruction it wreaks on relationships. It can manifest itself in many ways: caretaking of others (finding security in being needed), overcommitting oneself (finding security in all the activities where you are needed), anger (masking insecurity), denial about our issues, denial about our partner's issues, etc. These are a few I've recognized so far. I'm sure I'll uncover more as I continue to learn. yikes.

One of the steps I've taken to "sort it all out" is recognizing that I've had an addiction to seeking security in my relationships, so I'm using the AA 12 step guide and "making a searching and moral inventory of myself" and "making a list of people I've harmed & where possible, making amends."

What's going on feels like spring cleaning my heart, soul and mind. Just like cleaning out some overcluttered storage space, when you first pull all the stuff out, it's like, oh my gosh, how'd I gather all this clutter! Then you start sorting it out... what to keep, what to toss, what to cry over, what to laugh over, what to sit there and say, "Why in the world did I keep this??!" It's alot of work, and it's painful. My heart feels pretty raw and tender...but at the same time, everyday, my head and heart feel lighter and freer. It feels good to take responsibility and face things squarely & just deal with them.

Peace, my friends. Enjoy your Sunday. ♥

Beginning the Journey out of fear and insecurity

February 9, 2012

The past month I have felt more moments of overwhelming fear and insecurity than any time in my life. In fact, there were a couple of times, it was so intense, that I actually pondered the possibility of ending my life. I concluded that wasn’t an option, can’t think of a more selfish thing a person can do… but yeah… that’s how bad it’s been, my friends.

In addition to a lifetime of events (as outlined in my previous post today) which created a foundation of insecurity, recent events brought it to an intensity I’ve never experienced before. My mom's death in November was followed 3 days later by my boyfriend of over a year telling me that our relationship needs to end. (And I knew he was right.) This meant moving back to my home and giving up a full time job with benefits. So in the span of a few days I lost my mom, my love and my source of income. It is hard to explain how utterly disorienting it is to lose all those things at once.

There were a few things that were the saving grace in the whole situation:

* I was returning home-- to my house, my family
* A special friend who was the voice of calm, reason, wisdom, and peace
* My sister – enough said
*and my 3 cats who are my comforting companions

Without these things, I would’ve gone over the edge. But trust me; I went right TO the edge. My trip there was slightly delayed because there was the busy-ness of the holidays and unpacking my house to keep my mind busy for a while.

My sister has had a hard time dealing with mom’s death too, and we’ve both had moments where we cry unexpectedly or much more easily than normal. We’ve both struggled with deep feelings of loss and emptiness. And the information we received from hospice warned us that this is a normal experience. But she has the benefit of leaning on her husband of 20+ years with no other major loss or change at the same time. So I think what pushed me beyond the normal grief process is so much loss at once.

Grasping for a sense of security, I let a new relationship get way too involved. Another person can be there for you in a time of crisis, but that doesn’t work long term. We cannot get our sense of security from another person and the more desperately we try to, the more dysfunctional things get. Nobody is responsible for the emotional well-being of another. We each must tend to our own and sometimes the best thing that can happen to us--though it’s so hard when it happens-- is when the people in our lives confront us with our unhealthy behavior.

That’s exactly what happened to me this week. And it was my wakeup call that I can’t just drown in a sea of fear and I can’t expect anyone to save me. This is work I need to do myself. I do have my faith in God for which I am immensely grateful; I know that He alone is the only one who will never fail me. He is alone is the only one I can be absolutely certain will never leave me and will always love me. So I am hanging onto that, and gathering the resources I need to help me heal and get stronger and find my sense of peace.

One of those resources is encouraging and supportive friends who’ve already begun to travel this road to peace that is ahead of me. Yesterday something one of these friends shared with me proved to be immensely helpful. I was watching my grandkids, feeling just fine when out of the blue I was hit with this overwhelming fear that I will live a long lonely life by myself and I see the endless years stretching out before me like an abyss. (Yes, when fear hits me, it's dramatic! But then so are my joys. That’s just me, I feel things deeply.) Anyway, then I remembered something this friend had shared. She said in moments like that just stop and ask yourself this: "But am I okay right now in this moment?" And the answer was yes. So I just breathed. And I felt the peace return. I was like wow. That worked. Hmmmm. What do you know; I have a tool to combat that situation.

Over time, I will gather more and more tools. And over time, using them will become second nature to me. For now, I must work to stay aware and to consciously choose. And I need to surround myself with like-minded people. Welcome to the journey fellow travelers. Feel free to share your stories with me. Any journey is enriched by companions headed in the same direction.

Peace & Love.

~Brenda

Look at this tree. It stands alone. And it is simply magnificent. I captured this photo the morning of my "wake-up" call. Seemed fitting to the moment.