I Got By With a Little Help From My Friends

Today I was reflecting on where I was a year ago and just in awe at how much things can change in one year. Last February and March were one of the lowest points in my life. Processing my mother’s death was an overwhelming experience in itself. Adding to that was an end to a relationship that had once seemed promising, and on top of that, an inability to secure employment in spite of months of diligent effort.  I was struggling to stay afloat, feeling lost and unanchored, nearly drowning in a sea of insecurity, instability, disillusionment, uncertainty and fear.  When I lost my husband nine years ago, many people commented on how remarkably well I seemed to handle things. But I had three children still at home and a fulfilling, rewarding job. Those things did not lessen the grief, but they did serve as anchors of stability. They provided routines and responsibilities that carried me through the days as I healed and processed my grief.  

In contrast, sitting where I am today, with immensely more stability than I had a year ago, I am in awe that I got through it. No job, no children at home, no relationship… yes, I have other family and I spent some time with them. But they have lives and families of their own so there were many days and nights it was just me -- alone in an empty house, with a hurting heart, struggling to find some sort of direction again. Any of these life events—loss of a parent, extended unemployment, or dealing with a failed relationship are challenges to one’s sense of peace, stability, and financial and emotional security. So to be juggling them all at once… and to not have one of those legs on solid ground to help support the instability in the other areas was… well… it was a lot to deal with at once. Those were tough times and forced me to seek out every available resource to survive; to stay afloat.

A few things that were helpful --About right in the midst of that valley, I posted a blog in which I shared some of my despair and explaining how I was embarking on a journey seeking inner peace.  The response and outreach from my Facebook community was amazing. Those connections were life preservers -- something tangible I could grab onto to keep my head above water. And I deeply appreciate those who reached out to me. Many people commented and many people wrote private messages of support, encouragement, and shared experiences. Those small gestures made a huge difference.

Another thing I did at that time was signed up to sell Pampered Chef. I was getting nowhere in securing employment and it was very empowering to have an opportunity like that in which I could have some control over my financial situation. Instead of sitting and waiting for a response, I could go out and immediately do something. For several months, that provided some income for me and more importantly, gave me something positive to focus on. Many of my friends and family placed orders, came to my parties and hosted parties. Another thing I'm hugely grateful for and yet another example of what may seem like a small gesture having a huge impact on helping someone else.

And last but not least, were three very special friends, two of whom befriended me at that time, really knowing little of my situation. We just met through circumstances.  Most of my adult life, I have either been married or had small children and had little opportunity to do things with single friends so I didn’t have many single friends. So when my relationship ended, and my close family and friends had their own families keeping them busy, I spent a lot of time alone until one night when my friend invited me over for dinner at his place along with several of his friends. It was there that I became friends with two other girls. These three people made such a difference in my life simply by being friends. Each of them in their own ways. Whether it was just going out on a Saturday night to hear a band, meeting for lunch or chatting on Facebook or texting, they were instrumental in helping me get all the way back on solid ground again. I will forever be grateful and they hold a special place in my heart.

So in summary, I am just in awe at the stark contrasts of my life journey as I sit here today with a rewarding, fulfilling, challenging full-time job that I absolutely love ; with a husband who is my friend, lover and partner in life and a marriage in which we support and encourage each other to explore our interests and dreams; AND with a part-time job that is rewarding, fulfilling and fun, and a life that is so busy and full that now my biggest challenge is finding time to spend with my family and friends who are so dear to me!

I have always been a person who chooses optimism. I choose to look for the bright side and focus on the positives. But that doesn’t come from being naïve, or not having experienced hard times. There are countless times in my life where I’ve had to muster up every scrap of perseverance from the shattered pieces of my life and gather them together in order to get up and go one more time -- knowing that somewhere ahead was a brighter day. I’m a huge believer that we all have the power to write our own story. We can’t always choose the circumstances, but we can ALWAYS choose our attitude. We can’t always choose the path we are on, but we can choose the direction we are traveling on that path.

As always, wishing you peace and love…

~ Brenda

 

Overcoming Adversity

 I’ve been thinking a lot about how our thoughts shape our lives. Anyone who reads my posts knows by now that I’m a big believer in the power of positive thinking. But I want to make it clear that is very different than a “Pollyannaish” view of life. I am very aware of the pain life dishes out as I’ve had a pretty fair dose of it myself. Throughout the years, mentors and peers alike who have heard some of my life story have often referred to me as “resilient”.

Some of you know some of my story but just  a brief summary of some of the adversity I’ve faced: As a child: divorced parents,  single parent home, childhood poverty, alcoholic mother, alcoholic stepfather, witness to severe domestic violence multiple times. Some of the experiences I had as a child: being excited when my mom came home with a “food box” from the food pantry; first time I ever had new clothes for school was when I was in 6^th grade; emotional and physical abandonment;  pretty much raising my younger siblings when I was only ten years old myself – calling them in when it got dark, making supper, tucking them in and then lying awake late in the night waiting for the sound of my mom coming home; being a little girl and on several occasions watching a grown man go into an alcohol induced rage in which he hit my mother, utterly destroyed our home, busted furniture, threw things through windows, objects flying past me and my siblings which only stopped when I escaped through a bedroom window to run to a neighbor’s house to ask for help.

My teen years I lived with my dad and life was pretty stable. The only thing I had to deal with during those years was my mom living halfway across the country in another state and the 2 or 3 heart attacks my dad had, leaving me with a constant fear that he was going to die before I grew up and then I would have to move to another state and live with my mom.

My adult years brought more adversity as I was…. I won’t use the word “victim”… I guess I’ll go with the term “survivor of” domestic violence myself.  Since it wasn’t as severe as what I witnessed as a child it took me YEARS to recognize it. But I was belittled, humiliated, called names, my family was berated, I was pushed, slapped, thrown around, had my hair pulled, pushed against walls by my throat, things thrown at me numerous times, items in the house broken, thrown, doors and walls punched and kicked, car windshield smashed while me and the kids were IN it! Told I would never make it on my own, I was worthless, “just like my mom”, all the usual derogatory names for a woman of course, and in classic domestic violence style – told I exaggerated it all because "if he really wanted to hurt me…. do I know what he could DO to me???"

In comparison, the adversity in the ensuing years was mild. I was a single mom with 3 little boys and even though I had a college degree, couldn’t get full time work for a while and I was working at times four part-time jobs and still needing assistance such as food stamps, rental assistance and medical aide. After a few years, I met a wonderful man with six children of his own and we got married. The worst thing I had to deal with during those years was a bout with panic and anxiety disorder.  However five years into our marriage, he got leukemia. After an incredibly intense 9 months of him fighting for his life in which I was at his side as much as possible while caring for our nine school age children and holding down a full time job, he lost his fight and I lost my husband. Widowed at age 37.

After that, some of the adversity I faced was due to making some choices that weren’t the wisest: moving to California and remarrying way too soon. Then I discovered a totally new form of abuse – spiritual abuse. Someone using your faith and their knowledge about religion to manipulate control and shame you. As well as the collateral damage of being married to someone with severe OCD and other personality issues. And a few more instances of domestic violence. During these years, I experienced for the first time in my life, the sensation of having my airway cut off because I was being drug across the room in basically a “choke hold”.

Let’s see… then since moving back to Iowa, I’ve had the experience of living completely alone for the first time in my life, being unemployed for almost a year even though I was diligently and assertively applying for jobs, and losing my mom to lung cancer.

So yeah…  I’ve faced some adversity. But you know what…. I have learned a few things along the way. For one, everything I’ve had to deal with has made me a person who is more compassionate and understanding about those things. I can relate to people who are living in, living with, or survivors of so many issues: poverty, abuse, family members with terminal or life-threatening illness, single parents, blended families, marriage, singledom, widowhood, balancing work and family, unemployment, anxiety, homeschooling, parenting, moving out of state, empty nesting, struggles with weight.

Here are some of the most treasured things I’ve learned from all of this adversity in my life:

*You become a more compassionate and understanding person towards others. Most things that people are self-righteously smug about are things they have never dealt with themselves. For example, I never understood the struggles some people have with weight because I never had any problems with it until my 30’s. Before that, I had a rather flippant attitude. I thought, “How hard can it be? Just eat less and exercise more”.  People who’ve never been in a domestic violence situation tend to think, “Well… just leave.”  But there are a myriad of reasons why one can’t “just leave”. And so it is with almost all issues that humans wrestle with… they are far more complex than they appear from the outside, especially to someone who has never experienced that issue.

*Our thoughts have a profound effect on our lives. They steer us in a certain direction. They foreshadow outcomes. It really is true: “What we think about, we bring about.” When I chose thoughts of defeat and thoughts that negatively defined me, the situations often deteriorated even further.  However, when I chose positive reframing of events, practiced defining myself and my situation in positive, affirming ways, chose thoughts of action, and plans to deal with the various adversities I have experienced, I slowly made my way out of those situations or found ways to cope with or improve the situation.

*Likewise, the words we speak have a profound influence on our lives. They also steer your life in a direction. Choosing to speak of kindness, hope and joy will bring these things into your life. In order to speak about it, you must think about it so this is an exercise in choosing and focusing your thoughts in a positive direction. Never underestimate the power of your thoughts and words to influence the circumstances of your life.

*With each life experience you overcome, you become stronger yourself. You discover new resources within that you didn’t know you had. You develop fortitude, persistence, and resilience.  You become better within yourself and you become a person who can connect with others who are hurting and overwhelmed by life circumstances, as well as those other like-minded persons who have overcome as well.

So my friends, I encourage you today, if you are struggling, reach within and find your strength. One of the first and most important resources lies within. Pay attention to your thoughts. You sometimes can’t control your circumstances, but you can ALWAYS choose your thoughts. You can choose your reaction to the circumstances.  Practice positive reframing. Most things can be framed positively. For example: If your car broke down on the way to work, you can ruminate on your terrible luck or you can choose to dwell on how lucky you are it didn’t break down while you were crossing the interstate where you would’ve been crashed into.

If you’re a person who has overcome adversity, reach out to others, share your wisdom, share your pain, and share your failures and victories. Someone else out there needs to know they are not alone in their struggle.

And always remember: Your past does not define your future unless you choose to let it.

Sending my love and wishing you peace and joy in your life,

~ Brenda