This word picture is really helpful to me in grasping this concept of living in the "now".
I am LEARNING (it's a process) to stop obsessively looking at the rear-view mirror of the past, the magnifying glass of the present and the telescope into the future and just sit back and enjoy the ride of right here, right now. It's work to retrain the brain, but so much lighter, freer, peaceful. Much of my past carries regret and pain and worrying about the future brings on fear and anxiety. Why bring those negative feelings from moments that are not currently existing into this moment you are living right now?
I'm not saying we shouldn't feel pain or anxiety. If our current moment is one of pain, then by all means, we need to FEEL it; process it. That's the only way to ensure it doesn't become baggage we carry into your future. I think I've too often I've cut short the process of feeling the pain. Don't wanna feel it. Don't wanna be unhappy, so I just shrug it off and go on. But then it creeps up later. That's not good. I've had relationships suffer from past unprocessed emotional baggage and that's not fair to anyone. It's gotta be okay to feel what we feel in the moment and then... let it go.
The past is no longer here, it has only the power we give it. The future has not yet arrived, and most things we worry about never come to fruition, so it also has only the power we give it. The only real power lies in now.
And for my fellow believers in God, here's a cool thought: God's name is not I WAS, nor is it I WILL BE. His name means I AM. How's that for the power of now? :)
Thursday, February 23, 2012
Sunday, February 12, 2012
Awakening to the Consequences of Insecurity
Whew. It's amazing when suddenly a veil is lifted from your mind's eye and you just "see" something about yourself! I never realized how big an issue insecurity was in my life. I had a concept of insecurity as someone who is shy, timid, needy, doesn't think they are worth anything. Reading the book "So Long Insecurity" has really opened my eyes to just what insecurity is, and where it comes from, ...how it manifests itself in our lives and the destruction it wreaks on relationships. It can manifest itself in many ways: caretaking of others (finding security in being needed), overcommitting oneself (finding security in all the activities where you are needed), anger (masking insecurity), denial about our issues, denial about our partner's issues, etc. These are a few I've recognized so far. I'm sure I'll uncover more as I continue to learn. yikes.
One of the steps I've taken to "sort it all out" is recognizing that I've had an addiction to seeking security in my relationships, so I'm using the AA 12 step guide and "making a searching and moral inventory of myself" and "making a list of people I've harmed & where possible, making amends."
What's going on feels like spring cleaning my heart, soul and mind. Just like cleaning out some overcluttered storage space, when you first pull all the stuff out, it's like, oh my gosh, how'd I gather all this clutter! Then you start sorting it out... what to keep, what to toss, what to cry over, what to laugh over, what to sit there and say, "Why in the world did I keep this??!" It's alot of work, and it's painful. My heart feels pretty raw and tender...but at the same time, everyday, my head and heart feel lighter and freer. It feels good to take responsibility and face things squarely & just deal with them.
One of the steps I've taken to "sort it all out" is recognizing that I've had an addiction to seeking security in my relationships, so I'm using the AA 12 step guide and "making a searching and moral inventory of myself" and "making a list of people I've harmed & where possible, making amends."
What's going on feels like spring cleaning my heart, soul and mind. Just like cleaning out some overcluttered storage space, when you first pull all the stuff out, it's like, oh my gosh, how'd I gather all this clutter! Then you start sorting it out... what to keep, what to toss, what to cry over, what to laugh over, what to sit there and say, "Why in the world did I keep this??!" It's alot of work, and it's painful. My heart feels pretty raw and tender...but at the same time, everyday, my head and heart feel lighter and freer. It feels good to take responsibility and face things squarely & just deal with them.
Peace, my friends. Enjoy your Sunday. ♥
Beginning the Journey out of fear and insecurity
February 9, 2012
The past month I have felt more moments of overwhelming fear and insecurity than any time in my life. In fact, there were a couple of times, it was so intense, that I actually pondered the possibility of ending my life. I concluded that wasn’t an option, can’t think of a more selfish thing a person can do… but yeah… that’s how bad it’s been, my friends.
In addition to a lifetime of events (as outlined in my previous post today) which created a foundation of insecurity, recent events brought it to an intensity I’ve never experienced before. My mom's death in November was followed 3 days later by my boyfriend of over a year telling me that our relationship needs to end. (And I knew he was right.) This meant moving back to my home and giving up a full time job with benefits. So in the span of a few days I lost my mom, my love and my source of income. It is hard to explain how utterly disorienting it is to lose all those things at once.
There were a few things that were the saving grace in the whole situation:
* I was returning home-- to my house, my family
* A special friend who was the voice of calm, reason, wisdom, and peace
* My sister – enough said
*and my 3 cats who are my comforting companions
Without these things, I would’ve gone over the edge. But trust me; I went right TO the edge. My trip there was slightly delayed because there was the busy-ness of the holidays and unpacking my house to keep my mind busy for a while.
My sister has had a hard time dealing with mom’s death too, and we’ve both had moments where we cry unexpectedly or much more easily than normal. We’ve both struggled with deep feelings of loss and emptiness. And the information we received from hospice warned us that this is a normal experience. But she has the benefit of leaning on her husband of 20+ years with no other major loss or change at the same time. So I think what pushed me beyond the normal grief process is so much loss at once.
Grasping for a sense of security, I let a new relationship get way too involved. Another person can be there for you in a time of crisis, but that doesn’t work long term. We cannot get our sense of security from another person and the more desperately we try to, the more dysfunctional things get. Nobody is responsible for the emotional well-being of another. We each must tend to our own and sometimes the best thing that can happen to us--though it’s so hard when it happens-- is when the people in our lives confront us with our unhealthy behavior.
That’s exactly what happened to me this week. And it was my wakeup call that I can’t just drown in a sea of fear and I can’t expect anyone to save me. This is work I need to do myself. I do have my faith in God for which I am immensely grateful; I know that He alone is the only one who will never fail me. He is alone is the only one I can be absolutely certain will never leave me and will always love me. So I am hanging onto that, and gathering the resources I need to help me heal and get stronger and find my sense of peace.
One of those resources is encouraging and supportive friends who’ve already begun to travel this road to peace that is ahead of me. Yesterday something one of these friends shared with me proved to be immensely helpful. I was watching my grandkids, feeling just fine when out of the blue I was hit with this overwhelming fear that I will live a long lonely life by myself and I see the endless years stretching out before me like an abyss. (Yes, when fear hits me, it's dramatic! But then so are my joys. That’s just me, I feel things deeply.) Anyway, then I remembered something this friend had shared. She said in moments like that just stop and ask yourself this: "But am I okay right now in this moment?" And the answer was yes. So I just breathed. And I felt the peace return. I was like wow. That worked. Hmmmm. What do you know; I have a tool to combat that situation.
Over time, I will gather more and more tools. And over time, using them will become second nature to me. For now, I must work to stay aware and to consciously choose. And I need to surround myself with like-minded people. Welcome to the journey fellow travelers. Feel free to share your stories with me. Any journey is enriched by companions headed in the same direction.
Peace & Love.
~Brenda
The past month I have felt more moments of overwhelming fear and insecurity than any time in my life. In fact, there were a couple of times, it was so intense, that I actually pondered the possibility of ending my life. I concluded that wasn’t an option, can’t think of a more selfish thing a person can do… but yeah… that’s how bad it’s been, my friends.
In addition to a lifetime of events (as outlined in my previous post today) which created a foundation of insecurity, recent events brought it to an intensity I’ve never experienced before. My mom's death in November was followed 3 days later by my boyfriend of over a year telling me that our relationship needs to end. (And I knew he was right.) This meant moving back to my home and giving up a full time job with benefits. So in the span of a few days I lost my mom, my love and my source of income. It is hard to explain how utterly disorienting it is to lose all those things at once.
There were a few things that were the saving grace in the whole situation:
* I was returning home-- to my house, my family
* A special friend who was the voice of calm, reason, wisdom, and peace
* My sister – enough said
*and my 3 cats who are my comforting companions
Without these things, I would’ve gone over the edge. But trust me; I went right TO the edge. My trip there was slightly delayed because there was the busy-ness of the holidays and unpacking my house to keep my mind busy for a while.
My sister has had a hard time dealing with mom’s death too, and we’ve both had moments where we cry unexpectedly or much more easily than normal. We’ve both struggled with deep feelings of loss and emptiness. And the information we received from hospice warned us that this is a normal experience. But she has the benefit of leaning on her husband of 20+ years with no other major loss or change at the same time. So I think what pushed me beyond the normal grief process is so much loss at once.
Grasping for a sense of security, I let a new relationship get way too involved. Another person can be there for you in a time of crisis, but that doesn’t work long term. We cannot get our sense of security from another person and the more desperately we try to, the more dysfunctional things get. Nobody is responsible for the emotional well-being of another. We each must tend to our own and sometimes the best thing that can happen to us--though it’s so hard when it happens-- is when the people in our lives confront us with our unhealthy behavior.
That’s exactly what happened to me this week. And it was my wakeup call that I can’t just drown in a sea of fear and I can’t expect anyone to save me. This is work I need to do myself. I do have my faith in God for which I am immensely grateful; I know that He alone is the only one who will never fail me. He is alone is the only one I can be absolutely certain will never leave me and will always love me. So I am hanging onto that, and gathering the resources I need to help me heal and get stronger and find my sense of peace.
One of those resources is encouraging and supportive friends who’ve already begun to travel this road to peace that is ahead of me. Yesterday something one of these friends shared with me proved to be immensely helpful. I was watching my grandkids, feeling just fine when out of the blue I was hit with this overwhelming fear that I will live a long lonely life by myself and I see the endless years stretching out before me like an abyss. (Yes, when fear hits me, it's dramatic! But then so are my joys. That’s just me, I feel things deeply.) Anyway, then I remembered something this friend had shared. She said in moments like that just stop and ask yourself this: "But am I okay right now in this moment?" And the answer was yes. So I just breathed. And I felt the peace return. I was like wow. That worked. Hmmmm. What do you know; I have a tool to combat that situation.
Over time, I will gather more and more tools. And over time, using them will become second nature to me. For now, I must work to stay aware and to consciously choose. And I need to surround myself with like-minded people. Welcome to the journey fellow travelers. Feel free to share your stories with me. Any journey is enriched by companions headed in the same direction.
Peace & Love.
~Brenda
 |
| Look at this tree. It stands alone. And it is simply magnificent. I captured this photo the morning of my "wake-up" call. Seemed fitting to the moment. |
The roots of insecurity
February 9, 2012
I'm reading the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore and she lists common contributors to chronic insecurity. I was surprised to see that I had all but one on the list:
*Instability in the home (dad left the home when I was 4, Mom was an alcoholic who often just didn't come home at night & had inconsistent,unpredictable behavior)
*A significant loss - lost a husband in 2004 & mom in December
*Rejection - alcoholic moms are good at this. So are abusive husbands.
*Dramatic Change- loss of spouse, move out of state, lots of changes in the makeup of household members, move back to IA, adjusting to the empty nest
*Personal limitations (handicaps and such... this is the only one on the list I didn't have)
So I can say this much... it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'd have issues with insecurity. Wow. Eye opening to look at the list like that. Still... what to do, what to do. Can't just sit there afraid of life. Learn some coping tools. Get some healing. Get closer to God who is the only one who will never leave me!
Peace Out friends. That's my lesson for today. Feel free to share yours.
I'm reading the book "So Long Insecurity" by Beth Moore and she lists common contributors to chronic insecurity. I was surprised to see that I had all but one on the list:
*Instability in the home (dad left the home when I was 4, Mom was an alcoholic who often just didn't come home at night & had inconsistent,unpredictable behavior)
*A significant loss - lost a husband in 2004 & mom in December
*Rejection - alcoholic moms are good at this. So are abusive husbands.
*Dramatic Change- loss of spouse, move out of state, lots of changes in the makeup of household members, move back to IA, adjusting to the empty nest
*Personal limitations (handicaps and such... this is the only one on the list I didn't have)
So I can say this much... it shouldn't come as a surprise that I'd have issues with insecurity. Wow. Eye opening to look at the list like that. Still... what to do, what to do. Can't just sit there afraid of life. Learn some coping tools. Get some healing. Get closer to God who is the only one who will never leave me!
Peace Out friends. That's my lesson for today. Feel free to share yours.
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