Just happened upon some old journals today… One of them from
2004. My husband, Kevin, died Jan. 6th that year and most of the journal is
filled with my writings of God's goodness to me during that time, but mid-March
is a page where I just wrote "I'm f ***ing pissed!" in bold dark
letters. Then I scribbled all over the page and stabbed the page with my pen
several times. I can kind of chuckle at it now, not at the pain, but just how I
demonstrated it -- having a temper tantrum in my journal... but the pain and
anger was oh so real at the time. And just as it has been the case my entire
life, writing was how I processed my feelings.
Those were
rollercoaster days... days I was so intensely aware of God's presence and the
hope that faith offers which takes the sting of death away and other days so
dark, when I sank into the depths of despair--questioning God, His goodness,
His wisdom and feeling I would never truly be happy again.
Eight plus years
later, the ripple effect continues -- of both Kevin's presence in my life and
the loss of him. In some ways, I've done well, and in other ways not so well.
Kevin and I had such a firm direction in life and in those days I knew who I
was, where I was headed and who was going to be at my side on the journey. I
kind of feel I've somewhat never quite found my place in this world again.
Sometimes, yes... but it's elusive. Seems when I almost feel I have, it slips
through my fingers and I'm once again wandering through life trying to find my
way.
And even still...
after 8 years, there are times when out of the blue I am angry all over again,
or sad all over again or both angry & sad at once. Just yesterday that
happened, standing in my basement laundry room folding laundry when the thought
hit me from nowhere -- I didn't want to be in the position I'm in right now.
There's so much uncertainty in my life right now and I guess that brings the
anger and pain back. It makes me angry that I had security and stability (the
only time in my life I've had that!), and a partner for life, with plans and a
direction and it was just taken away. One minute I'm folding laundry and the
next I'm standing there crying... over the loss of a husband and the life we
had. And it's been 8 years! I've been married and divorced again since then.
But there it is.
I know that there
are people who judge me, some who just don't understand, and some who've been
hurt by my choices and decisions since then... and all I can say is I've done
the best I can in muddling my way through it. One good thing that has come from
it, is that my capacity to extend grace and mercy when observing the life and
actions of others has been greatly expanded - a hundred times over! I just nod
my head.. and think, yeah... walk a mile in their shoes and I remind myself
that I only know a little slice of their life and their story... And then it's
easy to just love... and not judge.
I came upon this
Ann Lamott quote the other day that seems rather fitting to this post:
“You will lose someone you can’t live without, and your
heart will be badly broken, and the bad news is that you never completely get
over the loss of your beloved. But this is also the good news. They live
forever in your broken heart that doesn’t seal back up. And you come through.
It’s like having a broken leg that never heals perfectly—that still hurts when
the weather gets cold, but you learn to dance with the limp.”
― Anne Lamott
Still learning to dance with the limp,
~Brenda
